Two things happen most frequently when we teach No BCD (Blaming, Complaining, Defensiveness) to our clients:
People generally continue to BCD unless they feel they have a better option.
I understand where people are coming from on this one. You want to see the alternatives and have some kind of guarantee before you make a change. Common accepted knowledge says if you stop doing something specific, you have to replace it with something specific. But you don’t.
Just stop doing the harmful thing, create a void, and let anything takes its place. It doesn’t matter what it is. The removal of BCD from your mind, your work, your relationships, your life is what matters. You can figure out later what you want to do instead. So if you need a better option than BCD to get started, I’ll give you one: anything.
People think any acknowledgment of problems or inconveniences is the start of BCD.
Being frustrated with a situation is normal. Talking about a problem is helpful. Needing to express an emotion is natural. No BCD is not the elimination of critical thought and authentic emotion. It is the elimination of dysfunctional thought and damaging emotion.
Don’t confuse blame with the recognition of cause/effect and the observation of an error. Don’t confuse complaining with the acknowledgment of a problem and an offer to address it. Don’t confuse defensiveness with self-aware description and genuine reasons.
Sometimes the situation just sucks. Sometimes you’re just being soft. Embrace what’s real and do anything besides BCD.
Do the work.